| S U N D A Y, J U L Y 2, 2 0 0 6
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| T H E R E A L E S T A T E C E N T E R
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 Continuous Crash Intersections
Folks just can't stop talking about that $3 gazillion intersection planned for Beechmont and Five Mile.
Our Angry Andersonian says the so-called engineers at ABMB claim to have "cutting-edge technical skills," which must involve white powder, mirrors, and razor blades.
Angry may not be a traffic engineer but he understands how people think - or more to the point, DON'T think - when they drive. "Don't we have enough head-on collisions at Beechmont and Five Mile?" he asks.
ABMB testimonial: "The Continuous Flow Intersection is easily negotiated by drivers who are initially unfamiliar with the design and after a short learning curve, nearly all drivers are familiar and comfortable with the [CFI] intersection." Bob Businessman still hasn't learned how to negotiate the roundabouts in the Anderson Towne Center and they expect him to figure out this pig fuck? Not a chance.
ABMB statement: "Simulations using VISSIM traffic modeling software show that CFI outperforms conventional alternatives dramatically." Yeah, but cars driven by actual, non-simulated PEOPLE behave nothing like the ones in their simulated video. Oh. look! There goes Suzy Soccermom down the wrong side of the road in her minivan full of kids. Say hello to the nice truck, Suzy!
ABMB: "Requires little more right-of-way than a conventional at-grade intersection." That’s an interesting use of the word "little." Based on the images on the ABMB web site, that "little more right-of-way" would take out two medical centers, two banks, a gas station, a drug store, and an IHOP. That's some damn fine cocaine they have there.
Those easy marks at the Anderson Township Government Center need to dig a little deeper. The clowns who are promoting this lunacy are also promoting a new concept called "reversible roadways. We had these years ago on Columbia Parkway and Beechmont Hill. Back then, we called 'em "Suicide Lanes."
Apparently, ABMB Engineering doesn't mind killing off its customers. Please explain to us how that business model works.
 Elsewhere in Anderson
 Everybody's getting ready for the big Fourth of July Parade. All the Real Republicans will be marching together in a group ("TaxKiller Tom" Brinkman, "In Russ We Trust" Jackson, and even revered "Beechmont Bob" McEwen, since he was asked to be honorary grand marshal of the patriotic parade. Where'll Mean Jean Schmidt be? She'll be alone in the "That Lying Bitch" section, unless she can convince some other lying bitches to walk with her.
Maybe the Anderson Park Board should be walking with the dogs in the parade. These big-spending self-promoters actually wasted over-taxed payers' hard earned dollars on a mailer. They wanted all those dog owners who registered their dogs at the dog park to meet at IHOP and walk their dogs down Beechmont, but make sure you wear your shit mitt, so you can pick up your poodle's patriotic poop during the parade.
With only 83 more days till their 50th Reunion, many members of the Forrest Gump Class of 1956 will also be participating in the parade. The men be sponsored by the Scooter Store, and the "girls" will be following behind with their walkers.
Resourceful Realtor Jason Gloyd, who's researching Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane's Landmark Board of Revulsion case scheduled for July 13 after the Disingenuous DemocRAT County Auditor's "certifiable" appraiser got caught trying to justify the Auditor's bogus 41% computer-generated appraisal, wonders if the Auditor’s drive-by reappraisal car will also be in the parade.
Speaking of which, how many times do you think we'll hear this joke at the parade: If big-breasted girls work at Hooters, where do one-legged girls work? At IHOP! There's one Bobby Leach missed.
 Meanwhile, in Cincinnati
Our City Hall Cynic figure out why Milton Doheney would leave Lexington/Fayette County for Cincinnati. Maybe his contract wasn't going to be renewed. Mallory's critics should've checked that out.
Commenting on our exclusive report about the cover-ups at City Hall, Sarcastic Sid says, "Surely you aren't implying that the Mayor would intervene on his brother's behalf?! I mean, yes the Mayor pressured Greg Harris (who was asked by the Party brass not to run for Council in '05 so he could run for legislature in '06) and Sam Herd into not challenging Dale in the primary. And yes, the Mallory family tried to get the Dems to override the Nominating Committee's recommendations and instead endorse Dale over Eve Bolton in the primary. But you don't think he'd go so far as to exert his political influence over the police, do you?! Why, that would be unethical!
"Poor Dale. He lost his lucrative consulting gig and got impeached by West End Community Council. His only remaining employment option is becoming a politician . . . inheriting the seat previously owned by his brother and daddy. You gotta love democracy!"
Will wonders never cease! Saturday morning we actually saw the number of Mallory's Murders updated in the Fishwrap. For those of us keeping score, the Official 2006 Whistleblower/ Cincinnati Tourism Board/ Mark Mallory Murder Count is now "43." Ghizzy Lizzy says, "This is shocking." TV Coroner O'Dell Owens says, "It's really disturbing!" And our Girly Man Mayor says, “Screw it! I'm going on vacation to Fort Lauderdale with my male friend."
 Curiously, The Kevinator at CityBleat points out that Mallory's vacation destination is best known as the locale for the 1960 cult classic film, "Where the Boys Are," if you know what we mean.
Meanwhile, all those Rich, Pasty-while, God-fearing Privileged People of Wyoming are celebrating Judge Nick Nadel's racist Friday ruling when the publicity-crazed jurist granted an injunction against the City's plan to build a new swimming pool in neighboring Woodlawn, a community populated by Black people. Another place you can see these twits mocked is at www.concernedwyomingcitizens.com.
Whistleblower Spoiled Sports Editor Andy FurBall says he got this: "Friday night, I fell asleep watching the Reds losing 7-0 in the eighth inning. There's no way they could've won that game."
 Bluegrass Blasts
Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says although folks in Independence, KY are celebrating the fact that the July Fourth Independence Day holiday was actually named for their fair city, Mayor Macaroni forgot and scheduled the annual 4th of July parade on July 1st. So much for that tradition.
The CamBoozler also says, when Fourth District Congressman Goof Doofus decided to open an office in Maysville on July 5, was it an effort to increase campaign contributions from residents of Bracken, Fleming, Lewis, and Robertson counties, or did Doofus just want to piss of Nick Looney?
It seems that Michael Liquid Plummer has taken his poison pen out of retirement and is sending 'anonymous' emails to members of the Fort Mitchell Country Club. He apparently has a problem with Miss Vicki accompanying her children (who happen to be members) to the club this summer. Apparently, Plummer hasn't forgiven Miss Vicki for the "Why can't Michael Plummer be trusted?" story she wrote in the NoKY Challenged last winter. So, in retaliation, Plummer is asking members to demand that Miss Vicki be banished. He even called her a word usually reserved for Mean Jean in his email. Funny thing is, the FMCC membership would take Miss Vicki over Liquid Plummer any day of the week, especially those who’ve seen them both in their bikinis. They're collecting money to send him to Triple Crown... or possibly Indian Hill, where he was reportedly seen drunken off his ass this past weekend with an unidentified fellow boozer shown on the right.
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